As the second child in a family of three siblings, since childhood, Lien has often been scolded by her mother, even hated and neglected, having to take care of herself. Lien, the 20-year-old girl from Nam Dinh, does not know why she is hated by her mother that much. She guesses maybe it’s because she looks exactly like her father, the man who abandoned her mom many years ago. In her adolescence, every time Lien asked her mother for new clothes, she would be scolded and accused of being demanding, while her older sister and younger brother were both well taken care of charge and received birthday gifts every year. Initially, when Lien noticed her mother’s obvious favoritism, she expressed jealousy, but as she grew older, she became more resigned. Despite living with her biological family, she always felt like “an outsider”.
Vu Luan an 18-year-old from Quang Ninh, even though he had both parents around, he still always felt lonely. Because of their busy trading business, his parents entrusted all his meals and studies to the maid and the tutors they hired. If he did something wrong, their first reaction was to resort to physical punishment. Even when there were changes in his mental and emotional state, Luan couldn’t share with anyone and had to overcome it on his own. Every time he went to a friend’s house and saw their parents joking happily with their children, he wished that was his family.
This favoritism often occurs in families with traditional families, where sons are favored over daughters, or parents prefer the eldest child when all emotions are fresh, or the youngest child is most attention. This situation is also related to the personality and behavior of the child or personal reasons such as the child’s resemblance to the appearance or personality of the father or mother. “Parents tend to prioritize the child who is most like them to remind themselves or represent what is considered successful parenting,” Mrs. Huong said.
Another reason is that family members lack emotional connection. This lack of sharing may depend on many factors such as age, personality, thoughts… causing conflicts when children feel that their parents do not understand them. “The lack of harmony comes from parents imposing their will on their children while the children feel unfair; using the idea of ‘other people’s children’ to force children to conform to the desired parental model or advising children to behave properly but violating it themselves,” Mrs. Huong shared.
Once children feel alienated within their own families, according to Dr. Nguyen Thi Minh, a lecturer at the National Academy of Public Administration in Ho Chi Minh City, they will seek trust from friends or acquaintances, leading to abuse, deception as well as encountering many emotional issues such as anxiety disorders, or even rebellion.
To ensure that no child feels lonely in their own home, Dr. Vu Thu Huong believes that the most important thing is that parents must think carefully before communicating with their children rather than the mindset of “Whatever my child says is fine.” Parents need to make an effort to approach their children, acknowledge their emotions without judgment. In this way, children will gradually open up instead of locking their emotions tightly. Furthermore, parents should establish the principle of “Permitted – Prohibited – Required”, what can be done, what cannot be done, and what must be done, requiring both children and adults to comply. When children violate rules, parents’ attitudes should be fair, and when distributing benefits, it should be fair as well. If they cannot express it verbally, they can use handwritten letters, emails, or text messages to convey messages, resolve conflicts between family members.
In agreement, Dr. Nguyen Thi Minh believes that there are 5 languages of love in psychology: Words of affirmation; Acts of kindness; Quality time; Gifts; and Physical touch. To strengthen relationships between family members, parents must recognize these languages of love and apply them frequently to their children. Moreover, through intuition, they need to quickly identify changes in their children’s psychology to adjust their behavior accordingly.
